America Vs
by CrazyHorseNinja
Summary: "'Sup dudes? I'm America!" This is just a little collection of moments in history (and not) where America pisses off other countries! Yay, fun! This is also the debut of my OC Termennius. It's Hetalia, so it's meant to be offensive. Collaboration with wolfprincessjulie.
1. Canada

**Hetalia: America Vs. Canada**

**Mexico for the Win! (Because America Spites Canada. By Choosing Mexico.)**

Characters: America, Canada, Mexico, random Canadian, random Mexican, Kumajiro, Termennius

America: (to random Canadian) Wait, you wanna come to America? Oh, a minor traffic offense? You had your license revoked for a month, and you're Canadian? Mmm, sorry, I don't think we can have people like you in this country.

Random Canadian: Eh? Why not?

America: Well… You get drunk off maple syrup and beat each other with sticks.

Termennius: My answer to that: Mayan fire hockey!

Mexico: (sweatdrops, in the Japanese way)

Canada: (quietly, in the Canadian way) Maple hockey?! That's not fair!

America: Moving on! (to random Mexican) So, _you_ wanna come to America? Well, let's see… You've been arrested for at least ten violent crimes. You're a registered sex offender. And a self-proclaimed serial killer. Well, doesn't every country have a few?

Canada: But I don't have any gun crimes! _And_ I hosted the Olympics!

America: (ignores, in the American way) What's one more? Welcome to America!

Canada: Mr. Kumajiro. Get me my hockey stick.

Kumajiro: Who're you?

Canada: I'm pissed!

Mexico: Seet down before chu fall down, amigo.

America: After all, my house is your house!

Mexico: (to America) Si. Su casa _es_ mi casa. (grins, in the Mexican way)

**CHN: Mexican grin. It involves eating a tortilla.**

**Julie: And having salsa on your lip.**

**CHN: That was kind of epic.**

**Julie: If we're gonna be racist, we might as well go all-out. This is Hetalia.**


	2. Greece

**Hetalia: America Vs. Greece**

Characters: America, Greece, Switzerland, China, Israel (?)

America: You can't borrow money from me!

Greece: Why not? You gave money to Germany.

America: But that was like a hundred years ago! (after World War One, closer to fifty years)

Greece: So?

China: He can't. He in debt to me. And I demand payment in form of chocolate.

Greece: But the other countries kicked me out of their club. (AKA the European Union)

America: Wait, they have a club, and I wasn't invited?! But I'm the hero!

Greece: But you live so far away.

Switzerland: Man up or I'll beat you with my peace prize!

Greece: But I'm out of money. All I have are my mother's ruins. And the Olympics.

Switzerland: My bank accounts are always open.

China: You are not reliable. The Jews never got their money back. They were forced to move to Israel.

Israel: No, I'm the Promised Land! (gets ignored by everyone)

**Julie: Winner… Switzerland. 'Cause even though nothing happened…**

**CHN: He's still hot.**

**Julie: (nods)**


	3. Russia

**Hetalia: America Vs. Russia**

**The Cold War**

Characters: America, Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia

America: Russia, you totally need to back off! This whole "Red Scare" thing is totally freaking my people out! And that's not cool!

Russia: But the screams of your people (and mine) are like music to my ears. It lulls me to sleep. Why would I want to stop it?

America: Because I'm the hero! And I have the atom bomb! If you don't believe me, just ask Japan!

Estonia: But the mention of your name reminds the people of Japan of all the people you are killing from leukemia.

America: Leu-what?

Lithuania: (quietly to Latvia) Let's try and sneak out.

Latvia: (nods) Okay.

Lithuania and Latvia silently tiptoe out the door, followed closely by Ukraine.

Belarus: (notices, but doesn't care)

Russia: I don't need to talk to Japan. I read the newspaper. I heard all about Hiroshima.

America: Yup, the Enola Gay sure made me proud.

Estonia: (snickers) Your bomber was called Enola _Gay_?

Russia: (ignores) It wasn't that impressive. My Hinds could easily overwhelm and crush your air force.

America: No way, man! My fighter pilots are way better than yours! I can prove it! One of these days, I'll get my best pilots to fly in the Olympics Opening Ceremony! You'll see how superior American pilots are!

Russia: (shrugs) Planes and helicopters are different. If I were you, I would just stick to yelling and eating nothing but hamburgers and milkshakes, da?

**CHN: I made Estonia kind of a dick.**

**Julie: Kind of.**

**CHN: Was that a question?**

**Julie: That was kind of a sarcastic nudge-nudge.**


	4. America?

**Hetalia: America Vs. … America?!**

Characters: Abraham Lincoln, Congress, USA (United States of America), CSA (Confederate States of America), Jefferson Davis, Union Soldiers, Confederate Soldiers, Mary Todd Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Greece

**Julie: LOL This is all based on the movie "Lincoln," which I did go see.**

**CHN: Maybe… Okay, now to begin…**

Switzerland: Why do other countries have civil wars?

America: Let me tell you about _my_ civil war.

_Flashback…_

Lincoln: Four score and seven years ago… Let's just cut to the chase. Slavery is bad and we should end it.

Congress: Here, here!

CSA: But who else will pick my cotton, and harvest my tobacco and sugar cane?

USA: … The… whites?

**(AN: This was before America was lazy.)**

CSA: (whining like a brat) But I don't wanna!

Union Soldiers: Down with the Confederacy!

Confederate Soldiers: Down with the Unio- Wait, _what?!_

Mary: I'm so depressed.

_One year later…_

Confederate Soldier 1: I feel like war is a lot more work than just harvesting our own crops ever would be…

Confederate Soldier 2: I feel like freeing the slaves would be much easier.

Davis: Be quiet! You don't know what you're talking about!

CSA: I suppose I'm willing to work out a peace treaty.

USA: That'd be cool.

Lincoln: Not until we pass this Bill of Rights.

Congress: (all happy faces) We just passed this Bill of Rights!

CSA: What?

Davis: No! We're not giving up our slaves!

Lee: I'm sorry, but they were just… too persuasive!

Grant: (strikes victory pose) BWAHAHAHA! I WIN!

CSA: NOOOOOO!

USA: (smacks CSA in the head with a big-ass hammer)

CSA: Lights! Fading! **(AN: From "Over the Hedge.")**

USA: (aims gun at CSA) I'll give you a chance for final words.

CSA: I have a final request. My slaves… Don't cry for me… **(AN: From "Evita.")**

USA: (shoots CSA in the heart)

Mary: I'm so depressed.

_In Modern Times…_

Liechtenstein: (all sad-like) But why did the Confederacy have to die?

America: (sniffles) Because… I'm the hero…

Greece: Sounds like one of my tragedies.

They all have a small pity party.

Mary: I'm so depressed.

**CHN and Julie: YOU RUINED THE MOMENT! (rage)**

**CHN: So we didn't mention the Olympics…**

**Julie: We have the Winter Olympics next year. In… My god, where is it, in Russia? Oh my god, it **_**is**_** in Russia! LOL**

**CHN: (sings) Shot through the heart, and you're to blame! Darlin', you give love…**

**CHN and Julie: (singing) A bad name!**


	5. England

**Hetalia: America Vs. England**

Characters: England, America, American Soldiers, American General, Shakespeare

America: (sucks on thumb)

England: (pulls gun) Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?!

America: No, sir! I do bite my thumb, sir, but I do not bite my thumb at you, sir!

Shakespeare: Wow, this sounds familiar! **(AN: Hint-hint.)**

American Soldiers: Ready for battle!

America: (pulls gun) Hey, England! All I want is my freedom! I'm no longer a child, nor your little brother! As of this moment, consider me… _Independent!_

England: (charges America) I won't allow it! (slaps gun from America's hands)

American General: Ready! Aim!

American Soldiers aim their guns at England.

England: (pointing gun at ground) I can't shoot you… There's no way I could shoot you… (throws gun aside, drops to knees crying) Why? Dammit, why?! It's not fair!

America: (puts hand on England's head) You know why. What happened to you? I remember a time when you were great. **(AN: *cough-cough* Great Britain. Get it?)** You should have seen this coming. Did you even read that letter I sent you?

England: (acts as if nothing happened) Oh, you mean the one about the course of human events and the self-evident rights? You could say I skimmed it briefly.

America: That took me like a century to come up with! RAGE! (flips a desk)

England: (ducks out of the way) What the hell?!

_Fades…_

America: (wakes up from weird dream) … Well that was fucking strange! (looks at calendar) Oh, crap! The Olympics are today!

**Julie: Referenced to America's Storage Room Cleaning, right?**

**CHN: Mm-hmm. What next?**

**Julie: I dunno. I kind of want to go back and read them.**

**CHN: Have fun! … Quick, Charmander! Level 45! Should I let him evolve?!**

**Julie: (reading) Yeah, sure.**


	6. Termennius

**Hetalia: America Vs. Termennius**

**Secretive Termennius makes her return!**

Characters: America, Termennius

America: Yo, Termennius!

Trmennius: (looks over shoulder and stands up) America… Hah, what do you want?

America: You never come to any UN meetings. Ya just hang out by yourself.

Termennius: (brushes hair out of her face) I have no need nor reason, hah. You younger nations are so loud, hah, but you never listen. Hahhh…

America: (flustered) Hey, c'mon, that's not true!

Termennius: (shrugs) Keep telling yourself that, hah. (crouches) Leave now.

America: No way! Ya gotta get social!

Termennius: You know, this is why I prefer Canada, hah.

America: What? You think that wimp's better than me? No way! I'm the hero! I'm the best by default!

Termennius: Yes, yes, if you say so.

America: You know I'm right.

Termennius: Hahhh… Fine, if it will make you be quiet and leave me alone. (stands, slaps America) Hrraah!

America: Yah! (stumbles back) What was that for?!

Termennius: For being a child in a world of mature adults. It is time to grow up, America, hah. I have watched this world for millennia from the shadows. Hah, I will not tolerate such insolence any longer. Grow up! (storms off)

America: Dude, that was low. (rubs sore cheek) _She's_ the one being immature.

**Yeah, well… I'm running a little low on inspiration here. Sorry if this bit was too bland. But seriously, I can't think of anything else right now. (le sigh) I miss Julie… It's so boring writing this without her help… Oh well. I'll just have to keep watching Hetalia for inspiration! Ciao~ PS: Praying for Shawn White's ankle to heal in time for Olympics!**


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